Finding Rejuvenating Rhythms in Seasons of Dissonance

Maybe it's time to find a new form of spirituality.

I'll never forget the advice I received from a spiritual director I spontaneously met with back in 2008. I was at a youth ministry conference and aching for a deeper connection with God. A few months before that conference, my wife and I had just had our first child, moved across the country, and I had taken a new job as a head youth director of a large church in San Antonio.

Those early days of learning how to partner in parenting an infant were grueling. Don't get me wrong; we absolutely adore our son. His entry into the world is one of the highlights of our lives. But the transition was TOUGH. Nobody tells you that every transition comes with loss, even good transitions. We gained SO much with our first child, but we also lost things. And while the loss was worth it, with every loss comes grief. All of that to say, I did not expect my first year of learning how to parent to feel grief while also experiencing joy. 

During the first fall of my child's life, I joined the family ministry team at my church for a conference in Sacramento. When I discovered I could meet with a spiritual director for free, I jumped on the opportunity!

I had never met with a spiritual director, so I had no idea what to expect. I followed the signs in the conference center until I reached a door marked "Spiritual Direction." I walked into a dimly lit room and was greeted by an older man seated by a lighted candle. 

I remember feeling seen, heard and welcomed. I shared that I was feeling pain and grief as a result of this new wonderful season. I also told him that I felt guilty for feeling grief. He sat quietly and just listened. 

While processing out loud, I realized my greatest concern. I felt far from God, and I didn't know what to do about it. I no longer had an hour or two by myself in the morning to pray, savor my coffee, and dream. Also, I was exhausted from working long hours at the church and having my sleep disrupted by an infant trying to get used to the world.

My spiritual director listened to my concerns thoughtfully. After a long pause, he said, "Maybe it's time to find a new form of spirituality. What used to work for you isn't working right now."

As I flew back to San Antonio, those words stayed with me. I had never met a religious leader who normalized feeling distant from God. I had never met a spiritual leader who gave me permission to experiment and explore new ways to connect with God. For the first time in a long time, the feeling of guilt was replaced with one of freedom. 

I began to take an inventory of my day. I realized the only extended time I had alone was when I was cooking and washing dishes in the evenings. And so, I began using that time to process my day in the presence of the Holy Spirit. 

My prayers weren't necessarily deep or profound. I did not feel deeply connected right away. But slowly, my body began to settle. I began to sense that I was not alone in this new season. I began to feel free to hold the tension of joy and grief in God's presence. The kitchen became my sanctuary!

I began to feel free to hold the tension of joy and grief in God's presence.

New Rhythms

The vast majority of people I meet with as a Spiritual Director come to me because what used to work for their spiritual growth no longer seems to work. At first, this feels very unsettling. People begin to wonder if something is wrong, if something is broken, and if they will ever be able to recover that which feels lost. I think this is because most of us learned that the only way to connect with God was through corporate worship, reading scripture, and private prayer. While those are CERTAINLY powerful ways to grow our faith and relationship with God, they are not the only ways. God uses our personalities, cultures, preferences, hobbies, and wirings to help us feel more connected and alive. You don't need to become more like me or more like your spiritual hero. The invitation is to become more like YOU!

Begin where you are.

Unless you are in an oppressive or toxic situation, the first thing to do is begin where you are. All that you need is right in front of you. God is here. We only need to learn how to listen.

Bring your full self.

God has given you an ethnicity, a culture, a personality, and a body. How you connect with God will be directly connected to these things. For example, over time, I have learned that I am a kinesthetic pray-er. Some of my best prayer times are when I'm going for a hike or kayaking in Galveston Bay. 

Pay attention to your body.

God has given you indicators of what you need in your body. Are there certain types of songs, prayers, and activities that help you feel safe, rooted, and calm? Explore connecting with God in those spaces. Are there specific environments, gatherings, or activities that cause you to feel stressed, anxious, or disconnected? If possible, limit those activities. Our God-given autonomic nervous systems can guide us as we learn new forms of spirituality.

Pay attention to what gives you life.

One of my favorite passages in scripture is John 10:10, where Jesus says, "I have come that you may have life, and have it abundantly." This is a core part of my belief system. I have found that as I participate in things that give me life, I feel more deeply connected to God, to myself, and others. 

Sometimes these things sound holy, like going to church, writing in my prayer journal, and studying the Bible. But other times, they don't sound particularly holy, like going on long drives across Texas, crafting a piece of furniture out of wood, and laughing so hard with a friend that I need to throw up. If Jesus came to help us live full lives, then God is found in things that bring us life. All of these spaces can be spiritual. All of these spaces can be sacred. 

Pay attention to what helps you feel most connected.

If you are having trouble finding words for prayer or energy for traditional ways of connecting with God, pay attention to what helps you feel closer to yourself and to others. Those are holy spaces. God is present in those spaces. God uses these spaces to remind us of who we are and whose we are.

Explore and Experiment

Spirituality is not as fragile as we think. Just like every other relationship shifts, evolves, and changes over time, your relationship with God will go through many different seasons. Do not be discouraged when you find yourself in a season of dissonance. Explore and experiment with new ways of feeling more deeply connected with God, yourself, and others. 

God's presence isn't dependent on your awareness of God's presence.

Sometimes the way doesn't unfold as planned. While I believe our rhythms can significantly enhance our connection to God, self, and others, I have learned there will always be seasons of doubt and disconnect. Sometimes these seasons feel like they last forever. Know that nothing is wrong with you. You aren't broken. God is with you. God is for you. God's presence isn't dependent upon your awareness of God's presence. 

Lean into community.

If you find yourself in extended seasons of disconnect, you are in good company. The Bible is FULL of stories of people who experienced seasons just like that. Just take one step at a time, and keep your rhythms. Stay committed to your values as a person. But know, you can't do this alone. Take a risk and share your struggles with a trustworthy person. That may be a pastor, a Spiritual Director, a friend, or a therapist. I need each of these, plus a professional coach, to stay healthy and connected.